Packing

I can’t write for long today as I need to pack and sleep.
I was supposed to pack this afternoon, but school duties prevailed and I actually spent the afternoon creating certificates which I will award to students in assembly tomorrow. I’ve chosen two students from each class, one for ‘Outstanding Achievement in English’ and one for ‘Excellence and Endeavour in English’. I also had to sign the 30 staff certificates for the third time as apparently there was a spelling mistake on the second set, though I compared the two and could see no difference. And I had to fill out the teacher logbooks to make it look as though they’d all been to every teacher conversation class I’d ever held, and therefore merit the certificates.
After school I was taken out to dinner at a restaurant with this ominous, enormous shrimp above it:

About half the staff were there, and it was a lovely meal though I didn’t have much of an appetite. P’Aude came and I was glad she did as she will be absent from school tomorrow. After we’d said goodbye I actually found myself feeling quite upset. I normally don’t get upset at goodbyes because I’ve moved around so much and said goodbye to so many friends, but this felt different because it’s truly a one-off; it’s not as though we can say to each other ‘See you next time you’re in England’. I’m sure I will visit Thailand again, but it won’t be all that often, and though I’ll stay in touch with P’Aude on Facebook, most of our friendship and communication is based on noises, gestures, and eye contact, and Facebook lacks in all these departments.
I came home and began the packing. To give you an idea of the task I am facing, here is a photograph of everything I have been given since I came to Thailand (well, almost everything, a certain pink elephant money box swiftly found a new home). Bear in mind this is only things I have been given, and not what I have bought. It’s a little frustrating as I’m travelling for the next six weeks or so, and can’t possibly take it all with me.

I’ll be taking a break from blogging for the foreseeable future, but will try to update once in a while, depending on Internet availability.
The rough itinerary goes like this:
Friday, travel to Bangkok for farewell ceremony with the British Council.
Weekend in Bangkok, visiting Points Coeur again, relaxing and preparing.
Monday 1st September – Monday 8th, fly to Myanmar with Bella and Charlotte. Plans include Yangon, Inle Lake and Mandalay.
Monday 8th back to Bangkok, pick up some luggage. Same or next day head to Cambodia for just under a week, with Bella.
See how exhausted or energetic we feel, and if energetic, travel round Vietnam for over a week. I’ll be going regardless, but Bella might head off to India.
After Vietnam, possibly go to Laos for about five days. Then come back to Thailand to take in Chiang Mai in the north, and perhaps call in at school and give a presentation about the countries I’ve visited. Perhaps.
Depending on timing, or earlier if exhausted, head to Indonesia to visit IA for a few days.
Then off to Australia for about two weeks (I know it isn’t enough, but I’ll come back).
Back to the UK around October 14th.
Then off to Poland on the 17th for two weeks, possibly coming back to England via Berlin and Paris, depending on friends.
Then it’ll be November and about time to get a job.

Schoolin’ Around

As my time at Sakleewitthaya School draws to a close, I thought I’d take you on a snapshot tour of the school, along with a couple of photos of me that came up in my slideshow on Friday.

The entrance Tasi and I sail through every morning, if we’re on time.

The moat that stops naughty students running off during the day.

The main school building, where I spend time in the office, like this:

It’s also home to this luxurious lady’s toilet:

I usually go there rather than to the toilet in the green building, which is more like this:

But occasionally if I’m feeling too lazy to walk over to the other building, or my thighs need toning, I give it a go.

The blue building is also home to the ASEAN room, the only classroom with air-conditioning and a smart board. I taught there once, but most of time I prefer taking classes in the English room.

The English room is over in the green building.

And next to that is the orange building, which houses the school hall and library, with the Science labs and Art room above it.

Behind the orange building is the school volleyball court, where I’ve seen many a Saklee Flying Club display, as well as mango skins drying under the Sun.

It’s quite normal to see people sleeping around school during the day, whether students under the green building:

Or staff in the office:

When they’re not napping, some of the staff have conversation classes with me in the Planning Room:

At the end of the day students go home by school bus:

Or motorbike:

Until there’s no-one around.

Except the unofficial school dog:

Two hearts, one banknote

With trainee teacher Nam.
Get a banknote and fold it in half, then open it out and fold one of the ends into the middle.

Fold it in half lengthways with the flap on the outside, then fold the flaps into triangles on both sides.

Do the same at the other end (but remember at one end you have an extra layer).

Now turn the note on its side, and open the triangles up, then squash them flat like so.

Do the same at the other end.

Turn over the note, and fold down one half lengthways.

This next bit’s complicated. You need to turn in the ends to make two small triangle pockets, preferably neater than mine.

Then fold the ends over from the other side of the note. Both ends.

Now turn your note over again, and repeat the same step, folding in half lengthways then creating the triangle pockets at either end.

Now simply fold over the top corners to make the heart shapes.

Alive Awake Alert Enthusiastic

Having overslept, I scrambled out of bed at seven thirty and threw on some clothes, then had a hasty slice of toast and marmite (I’m almost at the end of my pot). Tasi was running even later than me and today we were so late that we had to ride round to the other entrance. We arrived after the National Anthem. For once, there was enough time for me to present in assembly after all the teachers had finished so I did the Alive Awake Alert Enthusiastic song, getting M4 and M6.1, who knew it roughly, to come up to the front and help demonstrate to the rest of the school. They were good at the clapping and tried with the words, but more importantly I had everyone’s attention so was pleased with the results. I’m wearing my floral Ayutthaya shirt I was given at my farewell party last week, by the way, and my skirt from Tasi.

For the first couple of periods I had some much needed time to write my ‘personal information’, as requested by M. She is run off her feet at the moment so I also offered to type out IA’s and PA’s, as it would take me a fraction of the time it would take her. I had to write out my contact details as well as a message about the school and my favourite food, drink, music and films. I doubt they were expecting me to write a list of my favourite Thai foods, English foods and French foods, but hey, they asked me to write in detail. I also listed several kinds of tea and Pimm’s as my favourite drinks, which I’m sure I will have fun explaining later on.
Period 3 I was continuing, and finishing, assessing M3. It was supposed to be M’s class but she announced that she needed to go to the bank so could I please look after them? Pinim would keep an eye on us from next door. M hadn’t set them any work and there was no way I was going to let them sit there getting louder and louder for an hour, so I set up a game of hangman, beginning with the word ‘pig’ which they wouldn’t have guessed had I not helped them, then left them to play while I continued the assessments.

I’ve found I’ve got a lot faster at doing them and can gauge the level of English much quicker than when I first began. I always begin with the number seven in my head, the minimum needed to pass, then simply add or subtract as I go along, depending on understanding and length and originality of answers. I’m supposed to go up to ten but occasionally go up to 12, and a handful of students have merited 15. On the whole the class were well behaved, which was lucky as Pinim only glanced in once. At one point a talcum powder fight broke out, and a boy ran around teasing everyone with a plastic snake, but I solved those problems by kindly but firmly confiscating the offending objects, and insisted that the students stay in their seats. I asked them to be quiet a couple of times and usually the Form Captain would shush them for me. I never had to raise my voice. I finished the assessments before the end of the lesson and went back to hangman, confusing all but one bright boy by writing ‘tom yam kung’ and ‘khanom krok’.

Cheeky M3 class.
Then I played hangman in Thai. I can write my name in Thai, but it’s only four letters so I don’t know which is which, or even the names of the letters. I put one in and the students guessed immediately, clapping and cheering. Then someone corrected my handwriting and wrote a message on the board, and the bell went.

I then had to sign 30 certificates, destined for all the teachers who have attended a course entitled ‘Moving Towards Improving English Literacy Among Staff’, apparently with me. Some of them, like the electrician and Kamsemsin, the director of Saklee Flying Club, have never set foot in a classroom with me, so it’s a bit cheeky, but it would be mean if everyone else got a certificate and they didn’t. Yesterday the electrician was emptying one of the bins by hand, one plastic bottle at a time, so I asked him in Thai whether he was hungry and he looked very worried and said no. My sense of humour is not, it would seem, universal.
For lunch I was brought Pad Thai, which I was too full and jittery to eat on account of having had two large cups of tea (with water from the fancy new heater I bought for everyone) and the iced Thai tea with tapioca bubbles that Waraporn had brought me. I put the Pad Thai to one side and hula hooped for a bit until I felt hungry.

After lunch I finished my assessments with M4. This was during Pinim’s class, and I can see why Pinim is so popular. She spent the class sitting in the midst of the students, showing them a Thai musical on her iPad. I whizzed through the assessments, of which the level ranged from average to good, but was left calling out the names of eight students, who were mysteriously absent. Two were legitimately off school ill, it emerged. One was at school, but hadn’t turned up to my class. And five were no longer at school. They had, as M put it, ‘resigned’. In Thailand students are allowed to drop out, or change schools quite easily, with permission of their parents or guardians. Some start working before they are 18, and some want to change school, often to be with a boyfriend or girlfriend at another school. I’m not sure if these five drop outs are since M printed the list last week, as she made some effort to delete the names of those who had left, or if the list is out of date by some while. Since assessments began I’ve only had to add the name of one student, a new addition to the school.
In the last hour of the school day P’Aude continued our lesson of how to make mahaude, with look mahaude, a paper ball which can be made into a mobile. This was surprisingly simple with a few fiddly bits.
First we cut out six green and six white tissue paper circles. Then we folded them in half, in half again, again, and again, creasing well, and opened them out.

Then P’Aude poured a large gloop of liquid glue directly onto the desk, took a cocktail stick, and put a tiny amount of glue towards the edge of the circle at the crease that was one away from the central fold. I did the same, then we proceeded to put a tiny amount of glue on every other fold, doing the same for all 12 circles to create semi-circles.

We took our semi-circles and glued the creases we hadn’t touched last time, using the same tiny amount of glue, and stuck three semi-circles of the same colour together so that we were left with four stacks of three.

Then we glued those together, and waited for it to dry.

Once the glue had dried we simply fanned out the ball.

Taking my paper mobile from last week we slid the string through the ball, then glued the remaining two sides together, pinching to keep them together as the glue dried.

It was quite fiddly, but we managed in the end.

P’Aude presented me with two pretty hair clips, and did my hair for me.

I also pleased her by getting revenge on the caretaker on her behalf. P’Aude is 49, and Sakkarin the caretaker 48, and he teases her by calling her ‘Meh’, older sister. Last week I told him she looks younger than he does to her delight and his mock dismay, and today after he yet again called her Meh, I spun round and said ‘Mai dai! You Meh’, (No, you older sister) which made the whole office laugh, as obviously I had also called him a girl. P’Aude was very pleased, and we high-fived, then I asked her for five Baht, which is what IA used to do whenever she complimented anyone or insulted someone on their behalf.
Nam, one of the trainee teachers who is only in on Wednesdays, showed me how to make a banknote into two hearts.

It was quite a lot more fiddly than the paper mobiles and I’ll put my attempt at instructions in a separate post.
After this, I gave Nam and Ice, the other trainee teacher, their leaving presents, as they weren’t at my farewell party, and they gave me a beautiful handmade book that they had spent the afternoon making for me instead of doing their work.

I had spent so long learning crafts that I was finished after the last bell had rung, and Nana was waiting for me in her car to take me out for dinner. To avoid a repeat of the four people, 12 meals event that took place last time, I stressed that I was hardly hungry. We went for dinner at a Chinese-Thai restaurant, and Nana had also invited Milk and Sasitorn, a good student in M6.2. On the way there my heart flew to my mouth when we witnessed what could have been a very nasty motorbike accident. Two factory workers, no helmets of course, took a corner under a traffic bypass too fast and flew off the edge of the road. They were both thrown off but thankfully got up immediately, unharmed, and rubbing their grazed elbows. Even more frightening was that Nana was driving one-handed because she was on her mobile phone, and hadn’t noticed until I gasped, though the accident was right in front of us. Once she had finished her phonecall she told me about the dangers of motorbikes. I didn’t like to say anything about the dangers of using a mobile phone while driving too.
Thankfully the dinner was restrained. We had chicken and coconut milk soup, fried fish and vegetables, fish cakes, and chicken wings.

Milk had the last fish cake in the hope of attracting a handsome boyfriend, and I cited Sunday’s chicken wings and Monday’s boyfriend as good evidence of this very superstition. Sasitorn is a school year above Milk, but is 17, whereas Milk is 18. I learnt that she dropped a year because three years ago she had a car accident and her leg was badly broken, and she had to spend a lot of time off school. She has done remarkably well since then.

There was a picture of the Great Wall of China on the wall of the restaurant and Nana made us all pose in front of it, trying to make it look like we were there.

After dinner she took us on a tour of Sena, pointing out all her different houses and pick-up trucks, used to deliver noodles for her husband’s business. As we drove back through Saklee I saw four of my students sitting on a motorbike, including one who comes up to me about five times a day and says ‘Good morning/ good afternoon teacher, how are you?’, then waits expectantly for a reply. It’s quite irritating as she even comes and bothers me in the office, but I’m very tolerant of her for trying so hard and try to give a different reply each time. The windows of Nana’s car are tinted, so I rolled mine down and hollered ‘GOOD EVENING STUDENTS HOW ARE YOU?’ They all looked stunned, especially cheeky Miss Good Morning, but they all wai-ed me and said they were ‘Fine thank you and how are you?’. I answered, then the windows went up and I saw Miss Good Morning look embarrassed, but pleased, and the passengers in the car burst out laughing.

I wore pink bloomers!

HM’s absence this week seems to have led to a much more relaxed atmosphere in school. Teachers are taking a relaxed approached to the dress code, students to uniform, and everyone seems to be turning up late (well, later than usual) to everything. Today Tasi was worried when I didn’t eat breakfast. Like everyone else at school I was running late, and partly didn’t have time to eat any of the three liquid breakfasts (something involving soy milk, something involving sweet potato in milk, and something involving meaty chunks and carrots), partly I decided to eat the breakfast M had brought me yesterday which I had left at school. We arrived at school during the National Anthem and Tasi announced that she was going to buy me breakfast and what would I like? I said I was fine but she was determined so I asked for pork and sticky rice. She duly returned with this and khanom krok, my favourite coconut pancakes.
Tuesdays I am theoretically free, but as always there is plenty to do at Sakleewitthaya School and today I continued my assessments with M1. I borrowed the students during one of the trainee teacher’s classes, which was held on the second floor of the main building. I had never been up there before and was surprised to discover a huge room full of computers. It’s strange the resources that suddenly pop up. It turned out that all those tablets I saw a couple of weeks ago, 37 exactly, are destined for M2, and only M2, because the Thai government has decided that all children of this age must learn how to use a tablet.
The assessments continued in much the same vein as before, except when a group of M5 students came to help the students I was examining. Cheating is definitely not seen in the same light here. Things got quite amusing when the child I was examining said their birthday was on the 27th in Thai, and one of the smart-mouthed M5 students translated it as 17th. I recognised the numbers, and chided them both in a friendly way with my limited Thai.


For lunch M had ordered me chicken fried rice again, which was delicious, and everyone commented that Chanin and I ought to move so we could sit together, as it was our first official day of courtship. I have to say, if this is what having a Thai boyfriend is like, I was thoroughly disappointed. Though he looked at me a lot and smiled shyly, Chanin didn’t try to talk to me, come near me or bring me any snacks or gifts, which based on my experience of Thai culture I have to admit I was somewhat expecting. Maybe his dating style is casual. Or maybe my pink bloomers put him off. Because did I mention, today I wore the pink and gold bloomers that Nana gave me several weeks ago, with a belt borrowed from Tasi. I figured it was now or never, and frankly, I think they look quite good. I might not relinquish them when I get back to England, and you can expect me and the bloomers in a town near you. A lot of the staff and students complimented me on them, and others laughed when I attempted Thai dancing.
Here’s me, the bloomers, and Nana, the kind donor of the bloomers:

After lunch I finished assessing M2, and as it was my last class with them they all wanted photos with me. And the bloomers.

Then I spent some time signing a form M had given me listing all the days and hours I had worked, which was amusing as it was highly inaccurate in terms of actual time spent in the classroom.
The corn harvest continues, and here is one of the students in M1, Watcharapong, whom Tasi visited last night and who is desperate to earn money to support his struggling family, bringing in some corn.

Tasi was very sad when she came back from visiting the students, and I’ve never seen her so unhappy. It’s good to know that the poverty is known about, and that the teachers all care so much for the welfare of their students.
This evening I took M and her family out to dinner with Tasi, Arkom and P’Aude. It was supposed to be me taking them out, but they’d rejected the two places I suggested for dinner so we went back to a restaurant they already knew and liked.

Entrance to the restaurant platform, on the river.
As usual Tasi, Arkom and I were late, and the others had already ordered and started eating by the time we arrived. This was partly due to a photoshoot Tasi had insisted on before we left. I wore the outfit she gave me on Saturday, to make her happy, which it did.

Posing in next door’s army jeep.

Outside our house.
Dinner was roasted peanuts and fried chicken, tom yam kung (prawn soup with coconut milk, tonight’s was particularly delicious as it was chilli free and the lemongrass and mint flavours really came through), crab salad and fish with Thai herbs.

On the way to dinner Arkom had stopped at the supermarket to pick up a bottle of whiskey, which he, M’s husband and I drank during dinner. It does seem unusual that in Thailand you are allowed to take your own alcohol and often fruit into restaurants. The conversation was good, and even though most of it was in Thai I strangely felt as though I understood a lot of it. I could make out names of places and people, numbers and days of the week, and it’s amazing what you can pick up on just through gestures and expressions. M translated the odd phrase for me, and cleared up with Arkom why I find his T-shirts so funny, as it turns out he was worried about it. I insisted that everyone have dessert, and P’Aude laughed for a long time when I looked confused as M loaded ice cubes into my bua loi (rice balls in coconut milk) because it was too sweet, and I picked them out again when she wasn’t looking. Arkom and Tasi were still angling to pay for their meal as ‘I will have so much to pay for on my travels’, but I wasn’t having any of it and paid the 2039Baht bill. (About £40.) M asked for a discount and I got 100Baht off.

In retrospect a goodbye meal might not have been the best idea, as eating out is so common here that I’m not sure they saw it as special. It didn’t help that in order to persuade them to let me pay I had to say that in England this could easily be the price of a meal for one or two people. M told me she and her husband are saving up to travel in a special Thai travel plan. They pay money in every month and then once they have reached a certain amount they will be able to stay in certain hotels and take flights worldwide but all at Thai prices. Can I get one please?

We took a nice photo, then I told everyone to pull a funny face instead of looking beautiful for once:

Hula Hooping

On account of the HM being absent, Tasi and I were pleasantly late to school.
I continued with my assessments, the answers much the same as usual, with a few exceptions, such as when a student told me ‘I live in chocolate’ in response to my question about what food they liked. Here’s me assessing the Librarian’s son, a cheeky chap.

And here’s me astonished at identical twins that I hadn’t noticed before, especially astonished that I had just assessed them both and awarded one ten and the other two.

Before lunch M brought an apéro of olives, which might have been quite nice if they hadn’t been soaked in a sweet chilli sauce, with extra chilli salt to taste.

The trainee teachers also brought me soybeans, which were quite tasty, and for lunch M sent out for chicken fried rice.

I love it when the teachers order takeaways. They pick some trustworthy students from their classes, lend them their scooters if they don’t have their own, and send them out to get food rather than staying in classes.
At lunchtime the ill-fated Science Show which ended in smoke and coughing on Friday was back for another try. I realised that several teachers were assessing the students based on criteria such as ‘confidence’, ‘language’, ‘success’ and ‘participation’. I initially thought it was a bit unfair, as each class had put forward a team and surely M1 couldn’t match M6, but I changed my mind after I saw M1’s performance. Coco, along with Rossana and another friend of theirs, successfully gave a performance involving water escaping from bottles at different speeds, complete with outfits made from bin bags, music, and running into the audience to ask questions.

Rossana is second from left and Coco is in the middle.
The M4 performance was also pretty impressive, in part because one of the boys had worn a dress. This is no change from what he usually wears at any given opportunity. When it was time for them to pick a volunteer, he chose his friend who also has a penchant for wearing dresses.

The Science Show could really have been called the Science and dance show, as all of the students included dance routines and thumping music with their science experiments, it certainly grabbed everyone’s attention. Well, almost everyone’s…

M5.2 had some pretty impressive outfits (I wonder where I can buy Eiffel Tower dungarees…) as well as an interesting experiment in which they showed us how to insert a needle into a semi-inflated balloon without bursting it, and how to stick a glass to a plate, upside down.

M6.2’s experiment involved fizzy pop and heat and making a mess and a bad smell.

I wonder whether it was them who caused the evacuation on Friday… I felt bad for M2, as they had to go last and were a little nervous, so no-one listened. Their experiment was actually really interesting. They got two eggs, one whole, and one boiled but shelled, put them in newspaper cones and showed that if you throw them, only the boiled one will break, but not the one in its shell.
On Mondays in Thailand teachers usually wear uniform, but because the month of August is a celebration of the King and Queen, today they were wearing yellow. Here’s an idea of what that looked like.

Later in the afternoon several staff members casually started hula hooping in the office. P’Aude showed me how it’s done, but I was hopeless.

Then suddenly I got the hang of it, but awkwardly and on my hips, so that I now have a few bruises.

Thai hula hoops are enormous, and contain moving weights to help tone. Tasi told me she does it every night. P’Aude taught her, and that is why they are both so slim. At home Tasi showed off her moves, which included standing almost completely still with the hoop around her waist, allowing it to move down to her hips and come back up again, and doing a sort-of sexy bum wiggle whilst hula hooping, at which Arkom raised an amused eyebrow. Incidentally, ‘hula hoop’ is said the same in Thai. After school P’Aude brought me some delicious coconut milk ducks as a reward for my hula hooping efforts.

They were a bit slimy, but that was more than made up for by the taste, and the fact that they are ducks. Made of coconut milk.
M told me I will have Thursday afternoon and Friday morning off to pack, and my farewell assembly will be Thursday morning so that I will have time to pack the many gifts I will be given by the teachers. I’m overwhelmed by their generosity and how many gifts I’ve been given, but I really don’t see how I will ever bring everything home, especially as I’m travelling for about seven weeks after Thailand. I’m going to look into how much posting costs and work on other solutions. This morning I presented Nana with her gift from me, as she had sulkily abstained from my farewell party on Friday, and she told me she has more gifts for me and will give me ‘pocket money’ but that she wants to do it in front of everyone. She also showed me one of my stickers that she had stuck to the steering wheel of her car, and then insisted I take a photo of her in front of her car, I’m not sure why.

It would seem that the chicken wing superstition (eat the last one and you will get a handsome boyfriend) has indeed come true. After school I was hanging out with the teachers when Chanin announced shyly, through Tasi translating, that he would like to be my boyfriend and come to England with me. I said I don’t know when I’ll actually be in England, and that I might not stay there very long, so we agreed to compromise by being a couple for three days. Chanin was worried as he isn’t in school on Wednesday, so I said he could be my boyfriend on Tuesday, Thursday and Friday morning. Poi is also technically still my boyfriend, so I suppose now I’m two-timing.
Tasi was unhappy about me paying for everyone’s dinner tomorrow night (I’m taking a select few out), as I will have so much to pay for when I am travelling, so I suggested she pay for mine while I pay for everyone else’s, which she and everyone else found hilarious.

Cold Baverage

At six I was unexpectedly woken by the sound of bells pealing out across the river and for a moment I believed I was back in England where the bells would wake me every Sunday. There was a Church just across the river from our lodge, and once the bells had been rung, prayers and singing began. I wanted to go, but had no way of crossing the river at that time, and the bed was just too comfortable to leave. I slipped back into sleep, bells still ringing through my dreams.
Around eight Tasi woke us gently and told us to get up because everyone was having breakfast. We took our time easing ourselves out of the sumptuous bed, but made it eventually, then sauntered down to breakfast where we were overjoyed to find banana muffins, bread rolls and English Breakfast Tea. Everyone had finished eating by the time we got there but cheerfully kept us company.

I was brought an enormous bowl of chicken and rice soup, with some black pudding lumps in it, though I really wasn’t hungry and I usually try to avoid rice in the mornings because I don’t digest it well, and it makes me feel sluggish all day. Before I had even had a spoonful, the bowl was whisked away and replaced with one without black pudding. I ate a little, but no-one was really watching so got away with leaving most of it, and enjoyed the muffins instead.

After breakfast we took some photos and Pat gave me a ring, which was kind.

With Ann’s mother, who was very charmed by us both.
Then it was time to pack and head off on our next adventure, which was going to Sua Pueng province, though neither Charlotte nor I had any idea what exactly this meant. Turns out it meant quite a lot. We drove for a while through the luscious green landscape, on a road that wound through the jungle, green mountains rising up out of it. Then we started noticing signs for resorts, which said things like ‘BB Gun and fishspa’, ‘Happiness Land’ and ‘Scenic Vintage Farm’. We stopped at one ‘resort’ called Bellissimo, which boasted a field of sheep as its main feature, along with models that looked as though they might have come from Camberwick Green, and a scattering of plastic sheep that rivalled the real ones in numbers. You had to pay to go near the real sheep, (that would be an interesting concept in the UK), so we just snapped a few pictures in front of the miniature mushroom houses and in front of the attractively decorated toilets, and piled back into the car.

We drove a bit further until we were in Switzerland. Swiss Valley, to be precise. This is, as its name suggests, a valley in Thailand decorated to look like Switzerland. There were sheep, goats and horses, windmills, and a large clock.

Apart from the trees and vegetation which were a dead giveaway, the valley did manage to look impressively Swiss. Across the road from the field of animals was a row of shops, selling sheep souvenirs in every size and format. I looked at them for a while, appreciating, then I bought fresh pineapple.

Our next stop was Tan Nam Puron, a hot spring attraction. Tasi paid for our entrance, but seemed to be more interested in sitting and waiting for us than showing us around, so Charlotte and I headed off into the jungle, on a path which we thought led up to a viewpoint and possibly a waterfall.

We saw several butterflies in beautiful colours, yellow and black, black and white striped, and an iridescent pale blue.

We saw a lot of green jungle, got bitten by mosquitoes, and got very sweaty, but didn’t find a view or any waterfalls. Then Tasi phoned us, concerned, and we hurried back to discover that the waterfall was in fact where we had set off from, and far smaller and less dramatic than we had imagined but pretty nonetheless.

We found the rest of our group, a handful of the teachers from yesterday, clustered around a shaded table. Several people were sitting with their legs immersed in water in a large tank and Charlotte joined them, discovering to her surprise that the water was hotter than a bath. She persuaded me in, and after the initial shock I got used to it and found it was surprisingly pleasant to sit with my legs in hot water, the midday Sun warming my back. Charlotte then went swimming in the hot spring nearby, fully clothed as per the rules. I didn’t fancy joining her, so I watched and took pictures instead.

Two girls selling food near the entrance.
We drove on again until we reached our lunch destination, a large restaurant in the hills that had homemade ice-cream including the intriguing flavour ‘banana cheese’ and cold ‘baverages’.

Lunch was ordered and included omelette, vegetable tempura, chicken wings, spicy fish soup and a salad which I didn’t touch due to its abundance of raw onions (They don’t agree with me).

Weechayan drank his third beer of the day (his first had been at breakfast) and I tried a drink made from cane sugar, which, unsurprisingly, was very sweet. Everyone insisted I eat the last chicken wing as it would mean I would get a ‘handsome boyfriend’. No sign of one just yet. Lunch was very tasty and I even managed to eat a minimal amount of rice.

Jarin full after a good lunch.
Back in the car we passed some incredible scenery, driving down winding roads in the hills, then past towering rocky hills and rolls of cloud, the Sun glinting from behind them. Before long we stopped yet again at a small market, which was really a collection of a few small shops with craft workshops behind.

We looked in a couple of shops and I managed to explain to a shopkeeper that she had overcharged me by four Baht for a bar of soap. I got a refund. Then we began to venture further into the market, following a sign that read ‘viewpoint’, until we were ordered to buy a ticket. Not wanting to do so, Charlotte said ‘Viewpoint?’ and the gatekeeper responded ‘Toilet? Ok’, and let us through for free. We were however quickly thwarted when just after the toilets an assistant was waiting to collect tickets. We pottered gently back to the entrance, passing a man singing an excellent version of ‘Ring of Fire’ intermittently playing guitar and harmonica.

Then it was time to get in the car again (this seems to be a recurring theme) and head homewards. On the way we stopped at a petrol station to use the loo. The heat upon stepping out of the car was unlike anything I’ve experienced so far in Thailand. It was a dry, searing heat, and you could almost feel your skin crisping up even as you crossed the forecourt.

The journey was long, but quite relaxing on account of there being enough space in the car for once. Once Nisa swerved sharply to avoid a dog, but other than that the journey was uneventful. When we were near home we got lost, and Task went back to her usual routine of stopping to look for directions on her tablet and asking strangers for directions. The weather was closing in on all sides. To the left of us, the sky was deep purple with thunder clouds. Behind, the rain was rolling in over the hills. To the right the pink sky flashed golden every few moments with lightning, and in front, the wind raged. Nevertheless, we made it home.

Fireflies

It was an early start, but not as early as my Saturdays usually start in Thailand. We left the house shortly after eight and drove to Ayutthaya to pick up Charlotte who had caught an early bus from Bangkok. The weather was cooler than usual, and driving past the rice fields it could have been a misty Autumn morning in England. The Sun was having a lie in under a duvet of cloud and every now and again the figure of a farmer could be seen through the mist. Charlotte hadn’t come in to the usual bus terminal, as the drivers had tried their unkind trick of dropping people elsewhere so that they would have to take a tuk tuk to the bus terminal and could collect commission on the fare. Eventually we managed to find her down a side street and the real journey began. Tasi, Charlotte and I, along with Tasi’s niece Nisa, were heading to Amphawa floating market with various other staff, staying in a luxury lodge and being taken out on a boat to see fireflies. Nisa had been drafted in as Tasi is a nervous driver and her husband needed to stay at home to take care of his mother.
We sped out of Ayutthaya, stopping only to buy roti, the delicious candy floss pancakes. We had been on the road for about an hour when we stopped to have breakfast, even though I had already had breakfast at home. I still didn’t really feel like I had digested yesterday’s food, and was really angling for a good glass of juice, any juice, but they didn’t have any so I stuck to water and at a little of the omelette, rice and chicken soup that I was offered. Charlotte had roasted vegetables and I had some of those too. Then we drove for another couple of hours, getting very lost towards the end and doubling back on ourselves quite a few times. We were now on a winding road through a jungle full of coconut and banana trees. Every few minutes we would stop, and Tasi would search desperately for directions on her tablet, call people for advice, or ask the various stallholders that we passed.
Eventually we found where we were looking for, though Charlotte and I of course had no idea what that was. It turned out to be our lodging, and not the lunch stop we had presumed it to be at first. We were staying in wooden cabins. I had seen the leaflet about them with prices advertised at 1,500-2,500Baht (£30-50) and I could see why. Two double beds complete with four enormous squashy pillows and thick duvets filled the room.

There was a TV, air-conditioning, a wardrobe, and a bathroom with a hot shower and proper toilet and sink.

We sat on the bed for a moment and I think it was the comfiest thing I have sat on since I left England. Excited as I was for the day’s activities, if they had been cancelled due to inclement weather and I had to curl up with a book in bed all day, I wouldn’t have minded. Once we’d settled into our rooms (which of course, Charlotte and I weren’t paying for as it was in celebration of my last weekend in Thailand) we came outside to a large table around which were seated a smattering of the staff from school, with a couple of extra spouses and somebody’s mother. The HM appeared, elegant in blue palazzo pants and a sunhat, and with husband and daughter, Pat, in tow. She told us that the owner of the lodges where we were staying was very rich – and single, but that they all suspected he liked ‘the men’, so we didn’t have a chance. He was one of the sponsors of our school, giving over 200,000Baht every year, and I suspect a hefty discount on the weekend.
Once everyone had arrived and Pat had advised us to dress appropriately, as we were visiting temples, we all got into two boats, waiting for us at the small pier right next to our lodges, which overlooked the river. Charlotte and I had some fears about the afternoon, as we had heard stories about a five temple, six hour tour. The river journey began, the boat slicing through the water at a furious pace. We sat together, but one of us was always being sprayed in the face with water, depending on which side we sat on.

The silk skirt I had worn kept bubbling up like an enormous green balloon and every now and again the boat would hit the water with a slap, lurching over the waves made by other watercraft.

Our fears were little helped when we pulled up outside a temple. Crossing a large but mostly empty marketplace, we were invited to feed two cows with piles of grass sitting on a table in front of them. I made everyone laugh by asking the cow if it was arroy-ma (delicious) as I pushed green blades into her mouth, and they were pulled from my hand.

We entered the temple, taking off our shoes. First everyone knelt and prayed in front of a shrine.

Then we were invited inside the first temple, which housed several gold Buddhas. Many of the teachers walked among them sticking bits of gold leaf to them.

Pat got me to kneel and we both had our fortunes told by shaking the sticks from the pot again. Like last time, mine was resistant, and first I shook out three. Then the second time I tried the whole lot fell onto the floor. Pat told me to choose one rather than shaking again. My fortune read: ‘You’re fit for this cast as a fading tree being refreshed by the night dew. Success is not impossible to achieve if you’re well prepared. You’ll have a bright future. It’s better not to move away because your current resident will bring you good lucks. You who are suffering from illness will get better. Your lost comrades, cousins and debtors will be in touch. Though you still couldn’t find a right couple but you’ll get other kind of fortune instead’. Apparently if the fortune you are told isn’t good you can leave it behind at the temple, which seems convenient. Pat then took me to see a monk at the side of the temple. We knelt down and bowed our heads, and he made an invisible mark on our foreheads. Then he gave us each an orange bracelet and drew a squiggly line on our right hands. We bowed our heads again and he thunked the back of our heads with a think brush, wet with holy water. He seemed to enjoy this part and did it more than once. Pat put a 20Baht note in the donation box to the left of the monk. We wai-ed and left the first part of the temple, passing another monk behind a stand where Pat donated again and we were given orange necklaces to match our bracelets. Pat led me into the next room of the temple which housed yet more gold Buddhas. Here we had to pour a glass of water over a glass Buddha lying in the top of a several tiered fountain, which Pat told me held the bones of an important monk. I was a bit relieved as I initially thought we had to drink the water from very dirty glasses. A tattooed monk prayed over us and presented us each with a Buddhist amulet, then took us outside and showed us how to ring a bell three times for luck.

Pat and I both made a hash of it. We came down some steps and three monks, one of whom was a young boy, directed us under the temple. When we came through the door a motion sensor said in a squeaky American accent: ‘Hello, welcome!’. Inside Pat showed me how to choose a small gold or silver pouch of rice, and put it in the pot that was labelled with the day of my birthday (Tuesday). Then we had to choose a stick with a coloured petal on the end, slip a banknote through the slit in the stick (Pat asked HM for money but I got my own out for once) and add the stick to the pot labelled with the year of our birth (Pat and I were born in the same year).

Next we took three small pieces of gold leaf, though Pat accidentally gave me four, and stuck them to the various statues around the room. This was surprisingly difficult. The bits of gold leaf would either flutter away, or I would press too hard and end up sticking my piece in place, but with half the gold from the rest of the statue stuck to my hand.

Pat told me Thai people believe that if you stick gold to the forehead of a child it will make them study harder. I might try it out on some of my lazier students. At a stand run by yet more monks, we picked up small Buddha statues and were instructed to walk round the temple three times. Pat had a sheet of words she had to say as she walked around but I just followed quietly thinking about God and hoping he didn’t mind. We handed back the statues and knelt again before a monk, who prayed over us, splashed us with holy water and gave us another amulet, which was a tiny statue of a very important monk in Thailand. We left the temple, running over the paving stones which burnt the soles of our feet in the afternoon Sun.

Back in the marketplace we found the rest of our posse, snacking on fresh grapefruit which was whiter and not as sour as the grapefruits we have in Europe. We were given water, then slid back into our boats for another damp and sunny journey.

View of a house from the river.

Monks’ robes drying near a temple.

The mid-afternoon clouds above the river.
It took quite some time but Charlotte and I were relieved when we docked and there wasn’t a temple in sight. This turned out to be the famous Amphawa floating market, though no-one actually explained that and we had to figure it out for ourselves. Tasi kindly bought us yet more water, which meant we carried four heavy bottles round all afternoon. There were plenty of enticing market stalls and we began to browse, everyone disappearing into the stands and the crowds that were as thick as Oxford Street on Saturday. We spent some time looking at an impressive selection of handmade earrings which included miniature beer cans, coke bottles, fruit, butterflies and a Thai postbox and letter. A lot of the stalls were sporting multicoloured checked items, and this seemed to be the Amphawa pattern. The market mainly sold food, in all shapes and forms. The floating market itself was small and not so much disappointing as not what we had imagined. A few boats, nose into the bank, served up food to hungry customers sitting in rows along the banks.

A bridge crossed the river and was swarming with Thais taking selfies and harassed-looking tourists. It reminded me a lot of the Ponte di Rialto in Venice.

Once we had crossed the river we discovered that the other side of the market was much the same. We found a postcard shop but the cards weren’t nearly as good as the ones we had found in Hua Hin, so we didn’t buy any. Then we got stuck in a photograph shop, where they had hundreds of pictures of the Thai royal family printed as real photographs as though you had met them. Charlotte and I each bought a couple as souvenirs. They were 10Baht (20p) each. We had a long sit down in a car park, wondering vaguely what the plan was, as no-one had told us what time to be back or where to meet, and we hadn’t seen any of the others for a good couple of hours. In the end we headed back to the pier, and discovered that our timing had been spot on. Some of the group were back while the rest arrived in dribs and drabs. Weechayan had already cracked open a beer. Chalorng, the biology teacher, suddenly presented me with a colourful dress she had bought for me, and requested that I wear it that very night. This was kind, but a little uncomfortable as it was low-cut and quite strappy, which is normally viewed as provocative in Thailand. Sunee the Art teacher then presented Charlotte and me with straw cowboy hats she had bought for us, which we naturally donned straight away. Tasi and Nisa finally arrived, the last to get back, and Tasi had bought a new maxi dress which matched mine, only mine was short. She and Nisa were also wearing matching headbands.

A girl we saw while we were waiting.
We were instructed to move to the loading pier and the first boat left while the rest of us waited for as another three boats of tourists were loaded before us. We noticed they were all provided with life jackets, whereas we were clearly expected to swim. By the time we got on the boat it was fully dark, and it turned out this was the moment to see the fireflies. Finding a dark, boat-free patch of river, we slowed down to pass a bush that seemed to be filled of tiny flashing lights. Charlotte and I both admitted to each other that we had been expecting something grand and dramatic, fireflies swarming around the boat like small Chinese lanterns allowing us to take beautiful, artistic photographs. Again, we weren’t so much disappointed as it wasn’t what we were expecting. For the next half hour or so we drifted along the river, speeding along at times so fast that I tied a scarf over my face and Charlotte hid under her cowboy hat, trying to stop the chilly water that was spraying into our faces. By the end of the journey we were thoroughly soaked. In between trying to win a boat race, we would sidle up to the bank to see bushed and sometimes whole bushes of fireflies. It was truly a beautiful sight; they all flash on and off in unison and close up are tiny, but have a strong yellow colour. The boatmen allowed our boat to drift right under a tree and a couple of the teachers gently caught fireflies for a moment, letting them go to fly around us and back to their friends. As we passed houses built into the river on stilts, people out on their balconies would point to nearby bushes full of fireflies and we would wave and call out ‘Khob koon’. It was a magical journey, whether we sped or drifted through the dark waters, passing temples glowing on the banks, trees lit up by the tiny fireflies, and the sky all around lit every few moments by distant violet lightning. Just before we arrived back we passed a Church on the opposite bank, its columns and crosses like gleaming white bones. The tide was higher than when we left, and a plank was rolled out to get us from boat to shore. A woman knee deep in the river took my bags from me as I held my skirt away from the water and walked the plank.
Back on land, Tasi instructed us to ‘take a bath’ in the glorious warm shower bathroom. I got changed into my new dress which was surprisingly attractive, and Tasi presented me with a gorgeous brown tie-dye strappy top, complete with sequins and mirror decorations, and a full length skirt that matched my dress. I tried to wear it all but she wouldn’t allow me, and in the end I wore the dress and lent Charlotte the skirt for the night. For dinner the lodge had provided us with a delicious buffet including the classic tom yam kung (spicy prawn soup), a broccoli based stir fry and of course, rice.

The teachers had also purchased chicken kebabs with pineapple, spicy chicken, and spicy pork, as well as a tonne of fruit, namely watermelon and grapefruit.

When we arrived karaoke was already going on. In Thailand karaoke is really like background music rather than live entertainment, and it isn’t rude to sit and talk through it and not even watch. At least, some of the time. One of the lodge staff’s sons danced on stage to a lot of the songs and drew a lot of acclaim as well as a 20Baht note from one of the teachers. He was a very good dancer for such a young child. Pat stunned us all with a word and tune perfect version of The Carpenters’ ‘Close to You’. Before long Weechayan had dragged me on stage to sing ‘Let it be’.

Charlotte and I sang ‘Take a Chance on Me’ and ‘Summer Nights’ to much applause, largely for our ridiculous dancing which drew many comments of ‘farang hua’ (crazy foreigners) from both staff and teachers.

Then we sloped off to prepare a dance routine for later in the night. Unfortunately we’d both had a bit too much Spy to drink, and this, coupled with ‘I Say a Little Prayer for You’ not being the Aretha Franklin version, and getting the giggles a little too often, all contributed to our turn on stage being less than impressive. We followed up with ‘Dancing Queen’, which was far better improvised than our practised dance routine. Next we did ‘Gimmee Gimmee Gimmee’ which was well received, then a few more teachers took a turn, including Bamchoo who dedicated a song to me.

Charlotte sang ‘My Heart Will Go On’, to HM’s delight. I then sang ‘The Sound of Music’ which was challenging due to it being in the wrong tempo. I got a bit of a vibrato effect going to add to the amusement, which Charlotte enjoyed even if the others didn’t quite know what to make of it. Even if our singing was a bit all over the place our performance was obviously enjoyed as we were invited to the stage for the final song of the night, set to finish at exactly 10.40. We attempted Bob Marley’s ‘No Woman No Cry’ but the words were too big to fit on the screen and we had to make a hasty change to Dido’s ‘Thank You’, which we dedicated to Tasi who clearly hadn’t understood a thing, but came on stage for photos nonetheless.

Finally it was bed time and we piled into our glorious bed. Tasi and Nisa were sleeping on another double bed just across from us. Tasi chose to leave the curtains open while she got changed under a towel that she wrapped round herself and which kept falling open, in spite of the bathroom being free.

Tell Laura I Love Her

Friday morning a student turned up to my house at twenty to eight. I heard the words ‘Kru farang’ (foreign teacher) and Grandma’s loud reply, then opened my bedroom door to find a girl in M6.1 right in front of it. Tasi had been on gate duty and sent her back with her motorbike to take me to school, which was thoughtful of her. I was running late and didn’t have time to have breakfast, so scoffed two apples during assembly. M was worried about the corrections I had made to the certificates due to be given out that night. I had been asked to personalise them, including my own, and had got a bit carried away with the wording, writing things like ‘To Mr Arkom, for his kindness, generosity, hospitality and excellent T-shirts’. On my own I had congratulated myself for my talent in teaching English Breakfast and bravery in eating Thai food. She asked me to take the corrections to the HM myself rather than going through her. HM surprisingly had an excellent sense of humour about it all, but gently suggested we might want to keep the wording more formal in order to use the certificates in future employment situations. She particularly liked where I had drawn an arrow from ‘trainer’ under my name on one certificate, indicating that this was in fact a shoe that we use for sport, and that I preferred the title ‘English Teaching Assistant’. HM, M, another teacher and I were late heading down for assembly and ended up hovering awkwardly on the stairs as the National Anthem was sung, as you’re not supposed to move around during it, just stand completely still and face the right direction, whichever that is.
Immediately after assembly M announced that my first lesson was cancelled (no surprises there) as today there was a Science show all afternoon with period 1 the opening ceremony. We all headed out to the end of one of the school buildings, where there are many plinths, all with the bronze busts of Scientists on them. The teachers were given chairs to sit on at the front while the rest of the school stood uncomfortably behind. It wasn’t sunny but it was quite hot. There were speeches, then HM walked up to a platform in the middle, which held the bust of King Rama IV, and placed flowers on it.

I noticed that the pot plants that were last seen in the vicinity of the lady’s toilet around the time of the Japanese Inspection had resurfaced to decorate the statue area. Once the official opening was finished we were all instructed to shuffle a few paces to the left. The teachers walked over and the students followed us with our chairs, which was nice. Then we were treated to an aviation show from Saklee Flying Club. First three boys flew wind-up planes, made from card and elastic bands, trying to keep their plane in the air for the longest to win a prize.

Then another boy and a former student, now in army uniform, flew a larger green plane with a remote control.

It made a nice circuit of the volleyball court. Then the fun really started. A student who left last year had been invited back. First, he put on some pounding dance music to get the atmosphere right. His plane was red, and much bigger. It took off from the ground and he sent it flying high above the volleyball court, steering carefully clear of the power lines and making circuits of the school grounds, to everyone’s delight.

After several minutes he brought it gently back to the ground, and then readjusted the wheels and he must have flicked a switch or two because once the plane was back in the air it seemed to be in cruise mode, surfing about and gently turning around and around, or just hovering. He did more tricks for several minutes, then landed it with impressive smoothness. The teachers all crowded round him for photographs, then we were all given 15 minutes to relax before period 2 started.

I managed to grab a quick breakfast of chicken and rice soup in the canteen, but when I asked for no chilli the dinner lady simply removed them from the top of the bowl, leaving the overwhelming flavour still in the soup. It was good nonetheless.

Period 2 I was assessing M2, and on the whole they were a good bunch, though I was surprised at how many of them don’t know the word ‘colour’ and even struggle to understand when I start listing colours and indicating different objects. In response to one question about describing yourself I received the answer ‘nose very good’, which I thought was original. Another girl also said to me ‘Welcome to Sakleewitthaya School. Happy at Saklee’, which was strange but pleasant nonetheless. Once I had finished my M2 class several students from M6.1 approached me, eager to take their exams. They were quite impressive. One of them told me he wants to be a doctor in Sweden, and another, who rarely speaks in class, turned out to speak incredible English, told me he wants to be a photographer and that he plays guitar in his free time, whereas the usual responses I get are ‘play football’ or ‘watch TV’ after I resort to listing a few options to bewildered students.
I then had some free time in which I managed to book a return flight from Myanmar. Bella and I will be flying into Yangon on September 1st, then flying out of Mandalay on the 8th, back to Bangkok to pick up our stuff, and on to Cambodia overland. Our flight in cost just over £20, and the return £40, both booked with the budget airline Air Asia.
At lunchtime I explained to the staff the problem of my sticky hair and how I would like to have it washed before heading back to Bangkok. Due to some medication I am on, my hair gets very greasy, though it isn’t so much greasy as sticky, as though you forgot to wash out your conditioner, though I haven’t used conditioner in over a year. It was a challenge enough getting it clean back home, but here in Thailand cold bucket showers have been little help. I was planning to get my hair washed next week, but the teachers all insisted that I must look ‘the most beautiful’ for my farewell party that night, and suggested I go to the beauty salon just across from school at four. My party started at five and I feared not being ready in time, so M said I should just sneak out at three instead, as the students would be engrossed in the Science show all afternoon anyway, and I don’t teach Friday afternoons.
I came to watch the Science show along with everyone else in the air-conditioned hall, but quickly realised I would fall asleep. Tasi could sense me flagging and suggested I go and kip in the library for an hour or so. I’m still surprised that it seems to be acceptable for staff and students to have a nap if they need it. I suppose it’s partly because of the heat. I crept out to the library only to find it full of students dressed as mad scientists, with lab coats, goggles and hair all over the place, so I wandered over to the office and had a nap there instead. I looked in at the Science Show later in the afternoon and was quite glad I hadn’t stayed, as there had clearly been some sort of incident and about half the students were outside the hall, coughing, while the rest were inside along with the teachers, all the windows flung open with fans going on full to try to get rid of the cloud of smoke that filled the hall. I crept off to the hairdresser’s.

With some gesturing and a mixture of Thai and English, I managed to explain that I just wanted a wash and not a cut. The salon was basic, a room with one chair in front of a mirror, with a bed that seemed more suited to a dentist’s behind a screen, and a picture of the King propped on a light switch. I was led behind the screen and invited to lie down on the bed, which was surprisingly comfortable. Then a towel was put around my shoulders and the lady began to wash my hair much the same as it is done in England, with the slight change being that she scratched all the gunk out of my hair with what I’m pretty sure was her fingernails, and scratched my scalp a fair bit too. It didn’t hurt, but it wasn’t exactly enjoyable. She shampooed my hair no less than four times, rinsing and scratching extensively after each one. She also gave me a head massage, and the headache I’d had all day gradually disappeared. Then I was invited to the chair and she began to dry my hair in sections. My hair is quite thick and this took over half an hour. I was quite happy with it as it was, but when she got out some straighteners I didn’t know how to refuse, so I let her straighten my hair which took almost another half hour. The hair salon also doubles as a launderette, and in the space in front several students park their scooters during the day. You can also top up your tires with air at the salon for five Baht, which several students did while I was having my hair dried. Here is Milk, who popped in to take a cheeky picture with me.

I rushed home as it was already half past four, then had a hasty bucket shower and got ready. There was no sign of Tasi or Arkom, and it looked as though I was going to have to walk to my party. I wasn’t thrilled at this prospect as it would mean getting sweaty again, just when I was feeling clean and attractive for once. Fortunately, just as I was ready, Tasi turned up and said we would leave in about 20 minutes after she had showered and dressed. This was quite a relief as it meant I actually got to relax for a few moments.

We arrived at my party by motorbike shortly after half five, and found that people were already well into dinner. They had all been calling Tasi, apparently. Dinner was delicious, even the fish soup which looked slimy and disgusting turned out to be tasty, which is what I have often found in Thailand. There were roasted peanuts, corn cakes, roast chicken, prawn salad and crispy fish.

I’m not sure whether the fish from the school pond were in the meal after all, but if they were, I enjoyed eating them very much. I was given a glass of Spy and a glass of homemade mangouistine wine, which tasted quite strong. I noticed that mine was a shade darker than everyone else’s on our table. I had barely had time to scoff a plateful of food when I was summoned to stand in front of the stage so that the celebrations of me could begin. On each table was a school governor, and three of them came up one by one to hang wreaths of orchids round my neck.

Then another five came forward and each presented me with a red rose.

I tried to slope back to my table but was kept in place by the firm voice of M. The governors returned to present me with a tea cup and saucer, a mug with a lid and a saucer and a vase of plastic flowers.

Then various staff members began to get up and give me gifts. Sumporn and her husband Anake, whose name I only learnt yesterday for the purpose of writing ‘You are very mysterious and you have a beautiful and talented wife’ on his goodbye note, each presented me with a small wrapped gift, which later turned out to be notebooks.

Ann gave me a scarf, and Pinim, who had kindly listened to me plea of ‘If you must get me a gift, small things only please’, presented me with an envelope labelled ‘Miss you, my dear teacher’, in which a 1000Baht note nestled. Weechayan and Waraporn gave me a Buddhist amulet, to protect me on my travels, and HM told me that even if I didn’t believe in it I could put it in my home and it would protect my home.

Then HM along with several teachers presented me with a box, in which there was a bright purple floral Ayutthaya blouse, in the same style that the teachers so often wear, and an expanse of dark purple Thai silk, to do with as I wish.

I felt completely overwhelmed and my face ached from smiling so much. I was very relieved that I had got both the water heater and individual gifts for everyone as well as notes, as even that felt barely enough in comparison to all the praise, attention and gifts I was bein given. There was a slideshow of pictures of me, narrated in Thai by M, including a lot of pictures of me teaching that I hadn’t realised were being taken. There were also numerous pictures of Charlotte and me on our boat trip. Following that, I was presented with my framed certificate, corrected by myself that very morning, and then I helped present certificates to Tasi and Arkom for being my hosts, and M for being my Mentor.

Finally, the presentations seemed to be over, and most of the female staff disappeared to get changed for the Bussalop dance, which for once I didn’t have to join in with. They gave an excellent performance, which I and the rest of the room thoroughly enjoyed.

So much happened that I can’t remember the order, but I know at some point Weechayan got me onstage to sing ‘Country Roads’ and ‘Down in the Lighting Bar’, then I was left alone to sing ‘Like A Prayer’, which went down well, and ‘Summer Nights’ which was not nearly so impressive.

I wanted to sing ‘The Carnival is Over’, but the karaoke machine was sadly lacking in all songs Seekers. Weechayan and one of the governors sang ‘Tell Laura I Love Her’ after a speech by the governor which essentially said he had always wondered who Laura was and now he had finally met her, and he loved her, which was nice.

Following some karaoke, I began to present my own gifts, first presenting the water heater to HM, who asked me why I had bought that when they already had one? I explained and she laughed.

Then one by one I invited the teachers and staff up to receive their compliment notes and gifts, M translating every time. Some of them went down particularly well, namely when I complimented the librarian on her ‘funny husband’ and the funny husband jumped up, dashed to the front and pulled daft poses.

He spent a lot of the night making everyone laugh with his lame crab impression, and reminding me a lot of a certain friend of my parents back home, who could rival the crab with his impression of a lizard. The caretaker was very flattered when I said I was sorry I couldn’t stay behind to be his wife, but cheers went up when I told the IT teacher, who has intimated shyly that he likes me on several occasions, that I was disappointed we hadn’t been on a date.

Later in the night the student teachers performed a song for him about ‘looking for someone special’, and I jokingly went and sat next to him, making him and everyone laugh.

I hope everyone knows I’m just being kind and funny, not serious. We are unable to have a conversation without an interpreter, so it would never work. Eventually, all the presentations were over and serious karaoke and dancing ensued. One of the teachers sent me to wai her husband to get him to come and dance, then I noticed a lot of the teachers sending each other to persuade husbands onto the floor. Arkom was immune to their charms until I insisted, and then we had a dance.

The Thai way of dancing is to gently sway, one hand raised, flat with the palm facing outward, and the other by your waist with finger and thumb pinched. Sunee the Art teacher who is really a dance teacher, did her best to teach me. Whilst holding this pose, switching the positions of your hands every few moments, you move around in a circle. When dancing with a man you spin slowly every few moments, dance a few steps facing him, and a few steps facing the other way. It was surprisingly fun, but not as fun as freestyle dancing when all the teachers went wild.

The most fun thing is that generally if someone starts doing a new move then everyone copies it, and I got quite a decent following doing my ‘stack it on the shelf’ ‘drive the car’ and ‘do the ironing’ moves. At times I was pushed into a friendly dance off with Bow, one of the student teachers who is particularly good fun. I suddenly looked round and realised that half the guests had left, and none had said goodbye, which seems to be the Thai way. Gradually more and more people left until it was just the student teachers, the caretaker, Tasi and me. I was happy, but tired and we finally left around 11, balancing my gifts and certificate on the back of the motorbike.

Prepare the Presents!

At M’s house I had to get up earlier than usual, as we had to leave at seven which is normally when I get up. I had breakfast of rice, vegetable and sausage stew with Belle, which was tasty and not spicy.

In spite of going to bed later than me M had got up at five. She said she and her husband get up early every day to spend time together before they go to work. He reads the news while she prepares the breakfast and does some ironing. She had ironed my shirt for me, which I was grateful for as I don’t seem to have spent enough time at home to do any ironing for weeks. On the way to school we passed the house of one of Bon’s former friends. M told me the tragic story of how he had been struck by lightning last year, and died. Bon and his friends still visit his mother, who is understandably still distressed.
First period I had M1, and I had to interview my neighbour, Arkom’s nephew. He was very smiley and shy, but I’m not sure how good his English was because he was so distracted and embarrassed.

He did manage to answer a few questions quite well so I gave him nine. A lot of the students in M1 were stronger at English than students in M2 and M3. One girl, when I asked where she live, reeled off her whole address, including stating number 50. She understood every question instantly and answered in full sentences with original answers. I was also interested to assess Coco, whose real name is Rattika, and Rossana. Both were excellent at English, Rossana the slightly stronger student of the pair. She said her favourite colour was black, which seems a bit bleak. On the other hand one student was very low level. He understood little, and didn’t know or understand ‘family’, ‘food’, ‘colour’ or know his numbers, even after much gesturing and explaining. Struggling with one or two of these topics could be acceptable, and I sometimes pass students if they are strong in another area but initially struggle with a particular topic, but I think not knowing any of the above indicates a very basic level in English, especially in comparison to peers.
At lunch time there was yet more black pudding on offer, and I stuck to my noodles and chicken.

My stomach did turn over though when I realised that the dinner lady was making gravy for the black pudding lunch with fresh pig’s blood. The noodles and so forth are cooked fresh in one compartment of an enormous saucepan, more like a cauldron, while watery stock simmers in the other, main compartment. Some of the bowls of food sit ready on the counter, and if a student likes they can choose one and sauce will be added. Or they can choose their own ingredients to make up their lunch. I usually have noodles with soybean shoots, then the dinner lady throws on chopped herbs, crushed peanuts, sugar, cold pork slices, tiny chicken strips and unidentified meatballs, and I usually wave off the chilli powder. The meat sits on the counter for quite a while, with various flies and ants heading over to check it out. It is only heated by the noodles underneath and the gravy on top, but as yet I’ve not had an upset stomach from a school dinner. To make the pig’s blood gravy, the dinner lady would take half a ladle full of blood and dip it into the cauldron watering it down with a scoop of water, then simply pour it over the black pudding and noodles.

P’Aude, who is Muslim and was offended by the black pudding and blood sauce, made M keep her handbag in front of her plate, just like yesterday with AA.
Towards the end of lunch the whole school had exercises and meditation. Half of them were in the main hall and the other half the open air hall. Everyone had brought their green foldable plastic mats to school, and they all sat cross legged on the floor. First HM got everyone to be quiet and instructed them in the first few exercises. Then M took over. Then it was time to add music, which was calming and modern, and wouldn’t have been out of place in a Pilates class. The exercises essentially involved stretching over to one side, then the other, then in front. Bending to the floor, extending your neck back then forwards, lifting your arms up, then out, and then cupping your chest. At the end everyone closed their eyes for a few moments, until HM gently spoke to them to open them again. I had never seen the whole school so calm and quiet. By the end of the exercises even the most distracted students were concentrating. It probably hadn’t helped that I, along with half the staff, had been crawling around taking photographs of them the whole time. Just watching them and listening to the music had made me feel relaxed, and I wished assembly could be like this every day, but everyone would probably be asleep before class had begun.

Period 5 started late because of the meditation, but not too late and I still had time to assess several students in M4. Again, the level of English was quite mixed, but I haven’t had to fail anyone yet. I was amused by how many of the students gave their hobby as ‘Facebook’. One boy said he wanted to be an architect and that his favourite singer was Bruno Mars. He also told me that his parents are dead and he and his two sisters live with their aunt and uncle. Few of the families here seem to be nuclear, and a lot of students do live with their grandparents or other relatives. Another boy, who always dresses as a girl whenever there is a show or dancing, and hangs out with girls rather than boys in the playground, told me that he wanted to be a model, and that he likes swimming but hates football.

I never see anyone laughing or jeering at him, and I like how gender boundaries seem to be very fluid here, and everyone very accepting even from a young age.
After class I talked to Pinim, who had been sitting in the classroom while I did the assessments, and who was supposed to have been teaching. A lot of the students in M4, when I had asked them about their favourite school subject, had said English and specified with Pinim as their teacher. I’m not sure if it’s because she is very kind, or because perhaps they rarely have to do much work… Pinim told me she won’t be coming to Amphawa at the weekend because HM is going and she ‘Can’t stand her anymore’. She also told me, rather ominously, that HM is cruel, as she had ordered all the fish in the school pond to be killed for my farewell party, and the students were off to do that right now. This sounded a bit grisly, but it turned out that the fish are farmed so the students can learn, so were headed for pan and plate anyway. And as far as I know, HM didn’t kill all the fish, just a few.
Last period of the day, I began assessing M6,1. This was relatively quick and easy, as on the whole the students were at about the same level, though they all seemed to be good, a lot of nines and tens, rather than outstanding. I had much more diverse and interesting answers to my questions than in previous classes, which was relief more than anything. I had answers like badminton, piano, guitar and basketball in response to my question about hobbies, and when I asked them about what music they liked, the answers included Taylor Swift, Katy Perry and hip-hop, all of which were new. Their career plans were also more varied than the most usual response of ‘English teacher’ or ‘Police’. Several of them wanted to be farmers and I also had a nurse, soldier, doctor, pharmacist and a lawyer, as well as teachers of other subjects, Art and Science being particular favourites. After class they decided they wanted to take pictures of me carrying out the exams so I had to sit for a moment with each student again.

Then we took pictures in Sydney.

After school I was very tired and wanted to go home as soon as possible, but HM and M wanted me to stay and correct the wording on certificates for tomorrow night, including my own. They also wanted me to write a speech so that M could translate it in advance, and write down some information about myself, essentially a CV only with more detail. I insisted on taking all these things home so I could at least have a break for a moment, along with a list of all 32 staff that M had printed for me so I could write a goodbye note to every member of staff. I was in for a long night, and to make it longer I fell asleep before dinner at six. Tasi had made noodles specially for me and I ate them gratefully, exhausted and subdued.

Then I set about writing notes, correcting certificates and sorting out the gifts I had bought for the teachers. For the women I had bought handmade cherry key rings, or tiny purses shaped like handbags.

For the trainee teachers I had got friendship bracelets, and the men all had a pen from me with their name written on it in permanent marker, as I thought they wouldn’t mind too much.

And don’t forget, of course, the kettle with automatic button and cup press feature. I’m glad I’m not leaving until next Friday as I’ll get to enjoy that bad boy along with everyone else for a few days.